I Think I’m Crazy. I Need Professional Help!
Life was all heaviness and pain. Though I may have looked good and had some friends, a storm I couldn’t quiet was going on in my head. I didn’t want to commit suicide, but even that would change thanks to my unwillingness to accept help. Don’t make the mistake I did. If you experience depression or hear voices, find Someone to open up to, someone you trust. Best if it is a family doctor, even better a counsellor or psychiatrist. Here is my story:
The curvy, sexy-looking sports car could be seen all over town, it’s driver, a well-dressed young man with a love of loud Bruce Springsteen music was always driving it aggresively. His pioneer stereo could be heard blocks ahead of his arrival. On the outside he seemed like one lucky, well-to-do teenager. Inside his head a storm was brewing that would soon all but destroy his life and cost him everything he had.
That was me. I was 17. I had a 1978 Ford Cobra. The car looked good, it had front and rear spoilers and a hood scoop and sleek looking mag wheels. Little did anyone know that driving that car was among the few joys I had in life. I was suffering from clinical depression. Each day I could barely drag myself out of bed. At night I would stay up until morning reading or watching TV, not wanting to go to sleep and allow the nightmares run wild in my head. Stress and pressure came at me from every angle, but for the first time in my life I seemed to be getting along with people, I had friends and things to do. What I couldn’t understand was why no one could see the agony my depression was putting me through, or that it was just the early signs of a much more serious illness.
Looking back, I can see why no one was able to help me. I kept everything closed up inside. I was depressed, but didn’t talk to anyone about it. My mom may have known what was going on but I was stubborn. There was even a time when she was going to let me see her psychiatrist to talk about what I was going through but when the time came for the appointment, I decided I didn’t want to go.
A lot of people suffer from depression. I wasn’t aware of that. I wasn’t aware that with medication and therapy I could have made my life so much easier. I also wasn’t aware of the fact that schizophrenia ran in my family. Schizophrenia is an illness that involves psychosis, which is a split from reality. It often manifests itself fully after a person has symptoms of other illnesses for years. At the end of my years of depression, I had a mental breakdown. I was raving mad, thinking I was rich and famous, I even got into a serious fight in school and had to be arrested and taken to a secure ward of the local psychiatric hospital. But by no means does that have to happen to everyone. It doesn’t even have to happen to people who have schizophrenia. There are things to watch out for that will tell you long in advance of the need for hospitalization if you are, for want of a better term, crazy.
The first thing I think is important to watch out for is depression. I had it so severely that the only times I can remember not being depressed was when I was drunk. I got drunk a lot as a teen, often with a friend who later became a radio DJ. He made everything fun and it seemed we really bonded when we went through all of our exploits. The sad truth was, he didn’t want a friend, he just wanted a playmate, a drinking buddy. When I first came down with symptoms of an illness, he made a point of cutting me out of his life. Later when I went through treatment I learned that this is a common situation for alcoholics. False friends who are actually horrible people.
If you are a young person, say under 25 and you think you are experiencing a form of mental illness, there are a couple of things I want to say to you. The first one is that you don’t have to be afraid of getting help. Being strong enough to reach out and be honest about what you are going through, be it hallucinations or depression is the sign of someone who will overcome their illness and recover almost fully. The next thing I want to say is that if you drink or use drugs (including cannabis) to deal with your symptoms, you may have to find a treatment program that will get you off of those substances. The sad truth about cannabis is that if you are a chronic user, it can be a trigger for psychosis. There are a lot of people out there right now who live with a very serious mental illness who would not have to go through the horrible effects of psychosis if they didn’t use cannabis to excess in their youth. Where alcohol is concerned, it is okay to use it in moderation. It can actually be healthy to have 1–2 drinks occasionally, but if you start to feel that you are losing control, or if a doctor puts you on medications ranging anywhere from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics drinking at all is very hard on your internal organs and your mental state and should not be done whatsoever.
At any age, if you have symptoms such as insomnia, bouts of extreme energy punctuated by times of uncontrolled sadness, bad dreams, depression that lasts more than a few weeks, severe anxiety, suicidal ideation or delusions (false thoughts), hallucinations (false sensory input) or paranoia (false fears), you have a choice to make. Deal with these things now or hide them and let them get much worse.
Go to your family doctor and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. Before you see the psychiatrist, try to write down all the things you think are abnormal and make sure you talk about all of your concerns. Psychiatrists can work miracles when a patient works with them and is honest. They actually also work miracles when they can’t do these things, but when the patient hides their problems, treatment will often take much longer and may require hospitalization. If things have already gotten very serious for you, go to your nearest emergency room.
One thing I think is important to stress is that 20–25% of the population has mental health difficulties each year. There is a good chance that, especially if you reach out early in your illness, you will get better. I strongly suggest that for most mental health problems, that you see a psychiatrist (a medical doctor who has spent years specializing in the human brain) and a therapist.
The therapist can help you process what you are going through, and can even help you to adapt to the reality of any illness you may have. Going to a therapist doesn’t mean you are weak or ill. In fact, most therapists themselves go to therapy. Being able to talk about what you are going through and in the learning process, feel better about it is a positive personality characteristic.
If you are reading this and you are still in school, or if you are a parent of a young person who you feel may have a mental health issue, it is important to find out if there is a program called EPIC (Early Psychosis Intervention Clinic) in your area. They have them in many urban centres. They are intended to reach out to young people before they have to be hospitalized, and they can be of great help. One of the things to remember is that everything you discuss with a counsellor or psychiatrist is kept in strict confidence. In most of these clinics, the person involved doesn’t even need their parent’s permission, they can be referred by a teacher, a school counsellor or a family doctor.
If, after all this, you still are concerned that there is something seriously wrong with you, please remember that mental illness is not a death sentence. There are new and better medications coming out all the time, psychiatrists are constantly learning about new treatments and therapy can help a great deal.
The hardest part in my own life was getting to the point where I was willing to accept that I had limitations. I needed to accept my diagnosis and take my medications as prescribed. At this point, I should mention that I still did some things wrong. One of them was living alone. I strongly suggest that if you have a mental illness and aren’t in a stable relationship that you find a group home and make sure the rules there are workable. I have also was once given an interesting suggestion, to advertise at a University for a roommate who is studying psychology. As far as a group home goes, it can be very comforting to be around others who won’t judge you because of your illness. Having staff that will supervise your doctor’s visits and monitor your medications is also a huge part of the healing process.
There is another thing I did wrong when I was younger, aside from living in denial and aside from not accepting my illness and taking medication. I blamed myself for being ill. There really was nothing I could have done to change my condition. The truth was, if I had gone into therapy and opened up about that guilt sooner, I may have been able to live a happier, more productive life rather than go through several hospitalizations. If this helps you at all, I would love to hear from you, please leave me a comment if you can and don’t forget to sign up for updates, I plan to share these stories at least twice a week.
