Bittersweet Memories: My Depression and My First Sports Car
It was an odd time of my life. I was about to finish up my grade 12 year in school and had barely been a part of any kind of social or academic life in my high school. My days up to that point were work and school. Most of my time had been spent working as a pizza delivery driver. It was a frustrating job. The money was good, but the only reason I had any kind of a job was because I wanted to have a car, and the job made me sick of driving. It was as though the restaurant I worked for, and the working world in general only wanted my vehicle, not me.
One of my proudest moments was when I had a friend in the car I was often in competition with and I went out to do something, leaving my paycheque on the console of the car. It was a big one and my friend saw it. What was even cooler was that it only added up to about half of my earnings because I got a lot of great tips working that job.
There were fun parts to working in a pizza place. I got to eat awesome pizza every night and a lot of my work days were spent watching TV in the restaurant. But as I said, I felt pretty used. And I was suffering from the worst depression of my life up to that point. I remember driving around my home town, with a cassette on auto-reverse. It was often U2’s “The Joshua Tree” it reminded me of a girl I had dated a couple of times who I still had strong feelings for, despite not having seen her for more than a year. I was so stuck inside my head.
Finally I got sick of working every weekend and I took off for a short trip with some friends. I didn’t give my boss any notice, I just told one of the other drivers to tell him I wasn’t coming that night and he fired me. I responded by going down the street a few blocks and getting another job delivering pizza. Jobs were so easy to come by back then, I know my niece is struggling to find her first job at 18. I had jobs steadily from age 15 onwards. I didn’t last long with that job, I got a job in a plastics factory soon after that which paid much better.
Those were tough times. My ten-year old car was starting to come apart. The transmission was leaking fluid badly and if I drove too far it would drip transmission fluid onto the exhaust pipe and smoke like a chimney. I had to wait out three weeks before I got my first paycheque as well. I was working full-time hours in a factory that was extremely demanding. But at the end of it, I was paid $571.00, which was incredible. I put $400 in the bank and asked for 171 one-dollar bills just for fun.
Then it happened. I fell in love again. A friend and I were driving in Edmonton and we drove past the sweetest looking Mustang I had ever seen, and it had a ‘For Sale’ sign in the front window. I took it for a test drive and after that would have paid anything for it. I took out my $400 and then also got my dad to co-sign a loan for the other $600. My dream had come true. What I never wanted to admit was that this wasn’t some graduation present, it was all coming from my own money, and from work I went out and found on my own. I drove that car like a maniac.
In the end, what I discovered was that no material posession can truly make a person happy. I was so desperate to be lifted from my depression that I signed my life away on that loan, pretty much assuring myself I wouldn’t have money for University or any kind of a post-graduation trip. The car made me look good and was fun to drive, but I might as well have been still driving my old $450 Dodge. I was still in the worst funk of depression you could imagine.
The sad thing was, eventually not only did the car deteriorate due to my erratic driving, my depression progressed to delusional psychosis. Now I was really in trouble.
These days I don’t even have a car. I have found a new joy and a new sense of peace walking just about everywhere I go, even in minus 20 or minus 30 weather, which happens frequently in Edmonton. I stopped seeking substances like alcohol or gambling to lift my mood — they never really worked very well anyway. Every little drop of joy I got from those things took five times as much joy out of my life later. I did find out I needed to take medication, which was hard for me to accept, but now my life is so much better. And on top of all that, walking and saving my money has allowed me to build up a considerable retirement account. My future is bright because I stopped thinking ‘things’ could make me happy and started looking at what I need to nurture my soul and how to become a better human being, a better friend, a better son.
